super lengthy blog

For the past week or so, my mind has been blocked from taking in anything remotely close to what I need to be. It won't let  me think about anything other than personal issues. Over and over and over. Nothing about school, nothing about my nonstop searches to find  a job. I can't focus on any of that. No matter how hard I try to focus on it, I can't. I've probably also been being really short with people lately. I can't help that either. I'm not in the mood to sit and listen right now. It's nothing against the people. My mind just wont stay on whatever you're trying to tell me for more than like 30 seconds. I just to be honest could care less right now. And really I don't care if that's mean or not. I give people advice all the time. For some reason people must think I magically know the answers to all problems or know all the details about a certain situation. I don't. Although I give pretty good, logical advice, I just don't want so many people asking for my input anymore. Because I'm so busy giving other people advice, I'm losing myself because I never listen to what I say to them. Because more often than not, I'm going through it or have already. But like my mother says, I'm a really bad decision maker and so I wish I would have taken my own advice a long time ago. But anyway I got way off track there. Point is, unless I talk to someone first, I'm not to keen on being approached. Is it so bad to just focus on yourself and your own life issues for a little bit? I don't think so. Thing is, I don't know what these things are for the most part, or how they can be fixed. So... I end up doing nothing and let this horrible, angry, sad feeling just lie in my mind. Healthy, I know. It's also SUPER healthy to want to sleep away physical pain and stress. I hope you notice my sarcasm there. ...I hope I find all the things I'm looking for one day.. I don't know what they are. But they're missing, and.. I don't feel very good without what ever it may be. But all of this, and more than just what little I've said, It's taking over every inch of me pretty much. And I'm mentally tired. Physically tired too, but more-so mentally. These are the moments when I really start to wish I didn't have those stupid obsessive thinking habits, when I wish severe anxiety didn't exist.. and neither does helplessness or the fact that in reality, people do run away from you.. that sometimes things are intentional, though you wish they were unintentional.. just hoping all these things are little mistakes leading to something really good. Then you get to this point and you think of all the reasons why there's only bad and not good. You remember everything, and realize your mistakes.. and then know exactly how to fix them but you cant, because no one can time travel forward or backwards.. whichever you need to go. It's either too late or too soon. And maybe no one else thinks in this sort of way, but I do. And I think of these sort of things pretty well 24/7 until my breakdown point. Well, I'm done with this now. It was extremely weird of me to just say exactly what's on my mind.. but I don't care to share everything to the world, we all live off these crazy experiences anyway.. not like anyone truly cares anyway. so yeah.. Thats all. Again, don't be messing with me right now. aaaand done!