Heart to Heart

The beginning of this year I came into school not knowing what to expect. I'd had a rough freshman year, rough summer.. so automatically I thought sophomore year was going to be just as terrible. I came in thinking I'd have no friends, and with every intention to do homeschooling after the year was over with. I know I said that I wasn't going to open up about things.. and still, I'm not.. unless it's worth being shared. The past few years have been quite a journey for me. I left everyone I knew, everything I was used to and moved in with my mom for the first time in 8 years. I started off my 8th grade year in a county I truly despised. I was one of the most "popular" girls there, one of the prettiest.. but still no one really liked me.. It  didn't feel like home to me.. and I would get so upset because I didn't think I was ever going to be able to make friends like I had before. We moved here.. and pretty quickly, I befriended a few people. Not the crowd I was used to, but friends are friends, right? I couldn't expect to be on top of the chain everywhere I went. That's just not logical as a new girl. And I'm kind of happy I'm stuck in the middle here. It gives me flexibility to be who I want with no expectations from everyone else. But even then.. It didn't feel like home.. I wasn't having those same automatic connections you get when you first meet your best friends.. I couldn't tell them things knowing they'd relate or understand.. we were all on different levels.. and again I was upset, thinking no one will compare to those friends I had, the life I had and all it's advantages. For two years now I've been with the same guy, and I'm amazed at the fact that I can uphold a relationship for that long. We've had a rough two years as well. Been through a lot. Not really the first half of it, that was like heaven.. I couldn't've asked for anything better and I thought it'd be an easy relationship to maintain. But it's been almost a year since I lost the baby, and it's changed things more than I ever imagined. You grow up a little inside, you see things different, you grieve but you also just want to continue on and just do what will make you happy.. and I never really took advantage of opportunities this year to get back the strength that I've needed, and the happiness I want out of life. I just have moped.. and hated this year because of what happened.. and in order to be okay I need to do that.. And because I just was so negative, sophomore year has been terrible. I haven't been involved in anything, my grades are worse than they've ever been and my dreams of graduating pretty highly ranked in my class, it's ruinned. I just wasted most of my time. But I don't want to waste any more of it.. I don't think I deserve to just waste my teenage years.. or throw them out the window.. If you knew me before all this.. you'd know what I've made myself be this year is never what I wanted for myself.. To fail classes, to have a low self esteem, all these issues going on? no. But There have been a few good things to come out of sophomore year. Of course, my permit and soon my license. I no longer want to do homeschool.. I'm fine with finishing at school, there's a lot I want to accomplish the next two years. I'm going out for cheer again, even though it seems like it really sucks.. I really want to encourage it to be better and show everybody what a cheerleader really is. And I don't mean who can do the most flips.. But where I cheered before I can tell you it was really fun and the girls were actually peppy and looked like they enjoyed it and got into it and wore bows on top of their heads and what not.. and if you cheered there you were proud of it.. and I want to feel like that again.. so if I make it, it best be that way or i'm gonna be disappointed and wear my dern bows and smile anyway! but along with all that, towards this ending of the year.. I found some great friends.. ones that made me feel at home.. I can be me.. and tell them anything comfortably.. Ones just like I had my whole childhood.. I mean it took me three years of living here to find them.. But I'm happy to have found them and hope we stay as close knit as we are now.. I just feel pretty blessed to have found people that are there for me like that again and I cant even explain it.. They may be weird or a little bit crazy, but honestly.. who isn't? but If everything turns out as planned.. I'll have those things left from sophomore year that weren't so bad after all.