I hate 2011

 Right now, I'm in this weird stage where I just could care less about school. I have been since the beginning of this year. It really doesn't matter that much to me this year. And I know it should and all, but it doesn't. I'm more concerned about my personal life. I think i'm really just going crazy because I might  be too concerned with my personal life. Do you know the feeling when so many bad things build up and you just wanna skip the rest that's probably yet to come and get to the good stuff? That's the boat i'm in. Now about 8 or 9 months ago I would've told you that I could never be happier with my life and the people in it. But a lot can happen in little time. I knew just what I wanted in life, it was planned a certain way and it was gonna happen, no matter how hard it'd be to get there. And in general I like to plan things out, a lot, and make lists and stuff.. So now, living a life without being sure of where your gonna go and when and how, is stressful to me. I hate that. But I'm realizing I made those plans for my life, the way I did, because I only had 9 months to plan my life, to get so much together in order for one little person to have a good life. And that little life doesn't exist anymore. So.. Now what do I plan? I'm just a little lost. And i realize this isn't a post that's really I don't even know the word.. it's kind of emotional but in my mind, it helps to write or talk about it. And I don't care if anyone reads this at all.. It's for my personal benefit. December and May are my least favorite months. I'm going to hate them forever probably. May is when my baby died, December is when it would've been born. Approximately 21 days from today. I have so much hate for things... I really regret coming back to public school this year. It's been an awful experience so far and if it weren't for money issues because homeschooling is freaking expensive, i wouldn't be here right now. There are plenty of reason's why I could've possibly not came back to school if things would've worked differently. I really wish I wasn't in such a doubtful, "why me?" situation. I skip from subject to subject a lot.. But I'm not quite like an teenager I know.. I don't care about being one. The experiences, adventures, high school, normal things.. They really don't matter. I'm not sure why either. I've always been a little ahead of myself in things like that. I was raised by people who were clearly unprepared to raise a girl, let alone two of us. I'd be amazed if I knew I dad that could play both mom and dad perfectly. My dad probably tried, but I never was exactly what he wanted or expected. So i guess i kinda rebelled a lot.. So all the fun I'm suppose to have now, I pretty much already did all I wanted to. It's kind of stupid. This chapter of my life just feels like a long drag of boring, waiting to get to where I've always wanted to be. 2011, you've been AWFUL!